Night Before

Well, it's the night before surgery. Some of you may wonder how we are doing, what goes on in our house, and how we are feeling. We are doing "fine"......"fine" is that four letter word that doesn't mean a lot. I use that word because honestly, I can't even desribe how I am feeling. True, this is no heart surgery, but if you've ever seen your child go under general anesthesia, then you know that "surgery is surgery".

I think Macy's surgery count is 18 going on 19. Amazing, considering she is only 3 1/2 years old. So you would think with all this practice, that surgery shouldn't be hard for us anymore. Well, it never gets easier....no matter the procedure, no matter the hospital stay, and no matter the recovery.

It was extremely hard the day they took her from us for her first surgery. She weighed only 4 lbs. It was very hard the day we took her for one of her CT scans. As Jeremy held her in his arms, he gently placed the mask on her face. It took all I had in me not to lose it as I tightly held her hand and watched her nod off to sleep. It was difficult the day I took her for her veno-gram....knowing I was not going to get the answers from the test that I wanted. I will never forget watching her eyes roll back in her head as tears rolled down her cheeks and she fell asleep. Praise God for my mother-in-law who held me tightly when I lost it. She held me as I sobbed on her shoulder. Nothing can explain the feeling Jeremy and I had the day they took her from us for her open-heart surgery, not knowing if we would see her again.

What a blessed weekend we had with the family. I cherished every moment that Macy ran and played with her cousins. I loved every second that she sat with her aunts and uncles, or hugged her grandma and grandpa. I constantly laughed as she teased her grandpa calling him by his first name, just to tease him.

It's hard to have a happy weekend knowing that our poor little girl has to endure another surgery tomorrow. I am having a very hard time wtih this surgery....Macy understands so much now! She has clearly told us that she does not want the doctor to fix her neck. She doesn't know how many doors this surgery will open for her. Tomorrow is going to be hard. I won't be able to sleep tonight, I won't be able to eat breakfast in the morning, and I may even have to pull over along the way to the hospital to get sick. I won't be able to stand walking in through those hospital doors, I will shake as I check in with the receptionist, and I will break down when she leaves my arms for surgery. I can only imagine how Macy will feel.

I will not be facing this alone. My parents will be there, Jeremy's parents will be there, and THIS VanVleet Family will stand hand in hand...just like we always do.

Please pray for all of us tomorrow! God will once again, protect my baby!