I, on the other hand, was not doing so well. Before the c-section, they gave me magnesium to control my blood pressure. I could barely open my eyes and I was constantly vomiting. I seriously felt like I was going to die. I don’t know what death feels like, but it had to feel similar to what I was feeling. Jeremy said the nurses were extremely worried about me, and that they my oxygen level kept dropping.
On January 29th (1 day old), the doctors informed Jeremy that they heard a murmur when listening to Macy’s heart. They asked if he wanted to them do an echocardiogram to take a closer look. An echo is similar to an ultrasound, except it is on the heart. Jeremy didn’t take a minute to agree. He wanted to make sure she was ok. I remember him coming to my room to tell me that they heard a murmur, but were pretty positive that it was simply that.
Sunday afternoon was a day I will never forget. A nurse practitioner entered my hospital room carrying a pamphlet and some papers. I knew at that point that this could not be good. She was sad to inform us that our little miracle had a heart defect called Tetralogy of Fallot. Tetralogy consists of four heart defects. She had a gap between the two bottom chambers, and a narrowed pulmonary artery (the artery that pumps blood to the lungs). Due to these two defects, it caused her heart to be more muscular due to it working so hard, and caused one ventricle to work harder than the other. I was in shock. What was happening? This doesn’t happen to people like me. This happens on TV or in magazines, not to me! All of my cousins, friends, and coworkers have had children and they were fine.
At this point I didn’t know whether Macy would make it or not. They didn’t even inform us about that. They just said they were going to take her to the nearby children’s hospital to run more tests. They asked if I wanted to say goodbye. Goodbye? Was it forever? I cried and cried. I honestly can’t even tell you all the emotions I was feeling. It seriously was a blur. They knew I wasn’t in a state to walk to the NICU to see Macy, but they wanted to let me see her before they took her. They decided to wheel my hospital bed into the NICU. I vomited the entire way, but I was determined to see my little girl.
When I got to the NICU, I remember seeing her tiny little body lying in the bed. I started crying instantly. Jeremy and I had created this beautiful little baby, and she was gorgeous! I touched her and talked to her and completely broke down. When they let me hold her I didn’t want to let go. I knew the moment I did, they would take her from me. I cried and sobbed as I continued to hold her. The nurses from the children’s hospital arrived and were ready to take her. Did I really have to let her go? I didn’t want these strangers taking my baby. Finally, I gave her back to one of the nurses. I cried and reached for her as they took her away. I couldn’t look at Jeremy. I just didn’t know what I would say to him. Why was this happening to us? They wheeled me back to my room and I continued to cry. I was so worried about her.
Jeremy made the decision to leave me and head to the hospital where Macy was going. We were lucky to have his parents living so close. His mother stayed with me. His father, along with a priest from our church, traveled with Jeremy. I don’t remember much after that, my body was tired and I slept most of the evening. I remember Jeremy coming back around 11:30 p.m. He told me that things were going to be ok. He held me and we cried. We cried out of fear. We cried due to a sense of loss. Most of all, we cried for our sweet, innocent baby who had to face this world already fighting.
Check back for Part 3: Life at Riley
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